For the past couple of months, practically every conversation I have had, has centered around this desire. I am not sure where this conversation will lead, but seeing as all questions in essence surround truth and lies, this seems to be an appropriate starting point, if not the only place we begin and end at, all the time.
I choose to refer to it as a desire instead of a question, as every time we ask for an answer, we are really seeking a truth that we already know, to be validated within the external world. Deep down, every 'question' is not a search for new 'answers' or 'truths'. We seek only one experience, one answer in every instance, and that is love. We want someone or something else to say: I get you. I approve of you. I am on your side. You are loved. Within every quest for an 'answer', it is not that we do not have access to one, it is that our state of 'not-knowing' is really our universal desire to experience Love : the exquisite movement of separation to wholeness, questioning to understanding, lost to found and ultimately disconnection to connection.
Thus, in seeking to know whether we should tell the 'truth' and be authentic, we are really asking whether we are going to be understood, accepted, approved of and be left standing on the side of the 'bigger crowd'.
The desire is: I want to be loved for who I really am.
1 year and 4 months ago, one of my best friends committed suicide at the age of 28 years. I will refer to her as 'A'. I only just realized, the day I decided to begin this blog, would have been her 30th birthday. She was at her best, a revered doctor born into wealth, a stunningly porcelain-skinned and beautiful brunette, with astonishing and hypnotic green eyes, an intellectual and creative genius, a brilliant and charismatic dry wit, the most compassionate and considerate soul one could hope to know and a remarkable woman of infinite emotional depth.
Whilst we only spoke to each other once in the final year of her life, she remains the person in the universe I felt most akin to. When times were good, everything including the most complex of human frailties between us, were inexplicably understood and gratefully without words. According to the psychic I ran crying to, days after the news of her death, "It is astonishing but it's as if your souls were born from the same seed and this relationship has not ended, even now she is physically apart from you". Aside from my obvious and willing vulnerability to his sentiments at the time, his words still sit inside the silence of my gut, with the stillness of a glass lake.
At the time, it was merely days leading up to Christmas and I was on a family trip in the beach town of Terrigal. I stole away to attempt to breathe in the middle of the night, towards the cool, dangerous detachment of the empty beach, wearing an emerald necklace I had longed for, and was bought for me days ago by my aunt. As I sat watching the infinite expanse of lapping black ink, there was nothing to be seen, only the damp and abrasive incredulity of grief, that sat screaming in my chest, filling the empty landscape. As I apologized to the emptiness for everything I was not even sure I did not do and beat like a drum upon the things I should have done, I took off my necklace, attempting to cleanse it in the black and salty froth. I cannot recall what happened next, between the tears and unsaid words of love that came hurling unconsciously out of my mouth like waste. Hours later, exhausted, I got up and left.
On the way back to the hotel, I hid in shadows, trying to avoid the glare of debauched teenagers. As I opened the white picket fence entry, I realized I wasn't wearing my necklace. I told my family who scolded me and ran out back to the beach on fire. As I stared out in dismay at the miraculously infinite mass of pitted and moonlit sand, my shaking limbs fell to my knees as I began burrowing like a dog, through every cold inch. Hunched over with eyes leaking again like a wet sponge, I kept thinking, "I have to find it, I'm going to find it. God who I don't believe in, help me find it. 'A' help me find it". I had decided that if I found the necklace, it would prove that 'A' was still with me; that she could hear me. As I searched for a sign of her presence in the dark, pouring over every glint of silver and seaweed sifted through my frozen fingers, the dawning ache of the truth that I would not find it, threatened me every time my eyes scanned the miles and miles of sand bank spread before me.
Suddenly, as I stared out helplessly at the irritating sameness that stared back at me in all directions, a voice began to speak in the dark. It said, "Amy, you haven't lost it. It's here in the sand. It's just not around your neck. You could leave this place and know that it's still here, somewhere. You still share the same universe." Then my mind's eye flashed to a memory of 'A' and I walking out one evening along Bondi beach and looking out at the sand beneath the moonlight. We both remarked at how the pitted landscape made us feel like we were on the moon. We both understood without saying it to each other, how you could use your imagination to escape to anywhere you wanted to be and that it was magical. All it required, was a shift in perception. That night, it was as if the moon and Bondi beach, were one and the same place, and only 'A' and I knew it.
When I returned from that trip and checked my email, I received an email that said, "You may make a jewellery flower out of gold and rubies and emeralds, but it will have not fragrance" -Rumi. I realized in that moment of serendipity that even if I found my emerald necklace, it would be meaningless as it was not my friend or any part of me.
Our names were pronounced the same, we shared an obsession for unicorns since childhood, a love for playing Chopin, a wicked sense of irony, an allergy to the sun, similar upbringings, practically identical parent archetypes and many more incredible similarities, minus the fact she looked like Snow White and I have the face of a naughty black cat with according to her, 'unfathomable eyes' that always made her wonder what I was up to.
Appearances can indeed be deceiving. Angels and Devils exist sometimes in seemingly unlikely places, as I would soon learn. I am a firm believer in deliberate creation. As random as events or situations may present themselves, there is always a cause behind every effect. There is always truth to be found, beneath even the darkest of mysteries:
What would lead a beautiful, well loved, wealthy, successful and intelligent woman to choose to end her life?
'A' always wanted to be a writer. In fact, that's how we met. We did a short course in film-making in Sydney in 2005. During the course, we discovered in her a brilliant writer, and she got a taste of her heart's dream come true. Since that time, she worked towards creating a balance between sustaining her career as a doctor by training to specialize as an anesthetist, which would allow her to work casual hours, while she pursued her true love: writing. After expensive investments in her private school education, 7 years of medical school and from her perspective; the privilege to make a truly important contribution to humanity, it was the 'perfect solution'. She would fulfill what she saw as her responsibility to use her genius to be a doctor and also indulge the dream of her authentic self on the side.
Without delving into the personal circumstances of her life that followed, 'A' continued to diligently play out her responsibilities as a doctor, perfect adult and daughter, which meant that she worked alternative halves of the month full-time during the day, and the other half, full-time during the night. This grueling schedule left next to no time for a social life or time to pursue her dream to be a writer. Whilst she did treat herself to a trip abroad, her 'back to earth' life remained 99% lived for others and 1% lived for herself. As much as I and others tried to tempt her further down the path of her creative dream, she persisted in working her way towards her 'perfect solution': The future time in which she would allow half her time to be dedicated to her passion.
Fast forward to 2007: a series of unexpected personal circumstances came crashing down upon her, throwing her world into chaos. Standing on the only 1% of life she allowed for herself alone, surveillance footage showed 'A' calmly and professionally treating patients as usual, enter and leave the hospital's drug storage room, on the same day that it was found in a state, which led the staff to believe a drug addict had broken into it. No one would have ever guessed, 'A' who looked like snow white and was a much loved and respected doctor, would have had anything to do with the unruly mess. Her extraordinary intelligence, perfect looks and well to do upbringing, was the perfect foil for the most unthinkable act of self-violence, that would soon follow.
The reason I am telling this story, is to highlight using a very real situation, how important it is that we decide to tell the truth and the way in which, we incrementally diminish ourselves each time we do not. 'A' was the most sensible woman I had ever met in my life and was a vocal and avid adversary to suicide, which she saw as a hideous and cowardly act. Her decision did not come easily or instantly. It grew from years and years of lying to both herself and others, about her true feelings and acting from a place of guilt. 'A' was the perfectionist that did and said everything she 'should have' said and done and rarely did what she truly wanted to say and do.
Within our culture, we have been brought up to believe that lying is not only a fact of life, but a necessity. It's total bullshit. The premise is that by being 'nice' or passive to save the feelings of others and being loyal to those for which, we feel no genuine loyalty towards, is the only way to survive. In another words, we should suck it up in support of other people's insecurities. For example, here are some lies we tell ourselves:
1) I really want to divorce my wife/husband who I no longer love, but because he/she is so nice and we have been together for x years and have x kids, I will grin and bear it as that is the right thing to do.
2) I really don't want to spend time with x because he/she makes me feel low when he/she craps on about his/her problems, but he/she is my friend so that's what I must do because I love her/him.
3) When my boss/partner/friend speaks to me I feel he/she is disrespectful, but I can't afford to lose my job/relationship so I'll just let it go.
4) I really don't want to study law but it's the sensible thing to do in these economic times if I am to earn a living. Whilst I really want to become an artist, that's a frivolous and financially unsupportive path that no one in my life would respect me for.
5) Sex is boring with my partner but I love him/her and I don't want to hurt his/her feelings so I shouldn't say anything about it.
There is no doubt, it is not easy to tell the truth. There are consequences. Other people may protest and even leave your life. You may lose your job and the respect of those you hold dear. You may break a heart or two. You may fail at what you want to do. Then again, you may find as one person leaves, another person better suited to you enters. Your ex experiences the same fortune. You gain respect at your job and attract to yourself a better one. A dream you thought was not possible, comes true after you take that leap of faith and your loved ones come to the party.
Let's look at the alternative to telling the truth using the examples above, which would involve telling the following lies:
1) I love you.
2) I want to spend time with you.
3) I don't mind it when you disrespect me as long as you pay/stay with me.
4) I love my chosen path because you love it.
5) Oh baby that was great.
These false proclamations remind me of what I imagine a whore might say to please his/her clients except he/she might get paid to do it. Do you think your girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, friend, child, boss, colleague or you, deserve the one liners a whore uses? I'm not trying to be offensive but it is what it is. Every time we lie about how we feel to someone, we not only lose our integrity, but we are being completely disrespectful to those around us as well as ourselves. If you ask anyone what their worst nightmare is, the answer will be: to be deceived by the people closest to me. Every time we lie, we are bringing to life the very nightmare we want to be protected from.
The idea that a lie can ever be positive, is the most damaging delusion of our time.
Our authenticity is the most important contribution we can make to ourselves, the people we love and humanity at large. It's the out breath that sings to the soul; yours and all who have the courage to hear and honor it. The truth rings out of the clearest bell, unbroken throughout the ages. It's the transmuting flame that led to the breaking down of the Berlin wall, turned off the gas chambers of Auschwitz and resides within the the peaceful silence of every place on earth, where guns no longer fire through the screaming flesh of innocents. Most of all, the truth is; the love that you give to yourself, your friends, partner, children and colleagues, which tells them you and they are worthy of the very best of who you really are.
Every time we choose to tell the truth, the experience of self-love that follows, gives us the strength to be able to deal with life's challenges and be a true support to others. It is not possible to honor others, where you are not honoring yourself. In this same vein, it is not possible for others/life to honor you, when you do not honor yourself. The chicken simply cannot come before the egg. 'A' thought that through self-sacrifice and doing what she saw as the 'responsible' thing, was a world service. In the end, her decision to put the world before herself, meant that she allowed it to take her life. The effect was, the world she sought to save and impress, fell apart at the loss of her, and was left to pick up the pieces of her broken and poisoned body.
There is no security in living a lie as your decision to do so, cannot help but infect every choice you make and every situation and person you attract to yourself.
Some refer to it as Karma. I prefer cause and effect. A very good friend of mine used to always say to me, "Amy think of it as gangrene. You can keep ignoring it, pretending it's not there but soon enough, it will eat away your leg and spread throughout every vein in your body until there's nothing left. Chop off the leg while you can. I know it's scary but if you don't, soon you'll have a much bigger problem on your hands".
In my recent screen-writing studies, one of my brilliant film lecturers, Kate Kirtz, taught us the simple formula of 'the truth and the lie' which features within what she calls the, 'Neurotic's journey'. In my own words, the protagonist begins the story with an authentic desire/truth that he/she ignores. At first he/she is able to negotiate ordinary life relatively safely, with lie and self seemingly intact. That is until, an inciting incident occurs, which threatens to expose the truth and pushes the protagonist to make a choice: Will he/she or won't he/she, choose the path of his/her true desire? What follows is a journey in which, other characters and circumstances come into the protagonist's reality with increasing force, pushing him/her into a final and inevitable confrontation with the truth.
The reason this formula works so well in film, is because it is an accurate reflection of everyone's journey. Looking back on every challenge you have had, each and every one has been an opportunity for you to see and act upon the truth. Each time you ignored it, yet another, probably bigger challenge was presented, forcing you to confront it again and again, until you finally decided to acknowledge and honor it. What happened to 'A' was and remains, the biggest challenge of my life and I only hope that you do not wait for something so irredeemable to happen, before you decide to honor yourself and live the life you truly desire.
Every time we choose to be authentic, we open up a gateway of courage for those around us, to feel safe to do so as well. Without nourishing and valuing our authentic selves, we cannot avoid being diminished. With each choice we make to be diminished, we cannot avoid but contribute that energy to the mass consciousness, of which each one of us are inextricably apart of. In doing so, we allow and support the energy of untruth and self-diminishment to survive.
The question that always comes at the end of a tragedy such as a suicide is, who is to blame? What should we have done differently? After moving beyond the egotism of my own guilt, I realized the truth is, everyone who lies about who they really are, has held the space for self-denial to survive. The truth is, we are not separate. We are all part of one mass consciousness and whether we acknowledge it or not, every decision we make for ourselves, is being contributed to and influences the whole. When Gandhi famously said, "Be the change you want to see", his words pointed to the very nature of reality itself: in order for external circumstances to change, it is only possible through the internal changes chosen by each individual, that the whole can be transformed.
In order to create peace, we must create peace within ourselves. Similarly, in order to have the life of Love and Joy we dream of, we ourselves must first embody these experiences. The only way to consistently embody Love and Joy, is through self approval, which means honoring and living the truth of who we are and accepting that of others not only without judgment, but also without imposing our own upon them.
If I could have spoken to 'A' before she passed, I would have said to her, no one needs you to be the hero. The world and its inhabitants need to learn to take responsibility for themselves and through their independence, become stronger. When you lie to people about who you are, you do not protect them or yourself, but support them in denying their true power. All I would ever ask of you is that you be here and walk this earth, not as 1% or 50% of you, but as no less than all of who you really are. We don't even have to be in the same room if you don't want. Maybe you have this secret desire to live in the middle of the desert and eat lizards. I don't care. There is no choice you could make that would diminish you in my eyes. I support you whole-heartedly in whatever you wish to be or do, but forgive me for my selfish and all too human desire, that you walk this earth, worshipping and protecting the flesh, bones and soul of my dear kindred spirit in your care that is you, as only you have the power to save and love yourself. I love you unconditionally.
My friendship with 'A' was no fairy-tale. We held petty resentments, conflicts and offenses, in amongst the deep love we shared for each other. True friendship does not offer you an off into the sunset picture. True friendship pushes at the most painful parts of yourself, which you thought you could keep well hidden and forces you to reconsider your outward projection and expression of who you are. True friendship tears down the walls of your most strongly held illusions and lovingly strips you down to the bear bones of truth, offering you the sacred opportunity to confront and release, what no longer serves you. Each painful experience offers you the perfect opportunity, to choose to express the best part of who you are, and move ever closer to embodying the brightest light of your soul's potential.
Each moment is a sacred opportunity for you to express your authentic self and honor yourself and those you love. In doing so, you cannot fail to open yet another precious space for the presence and light of truth.
In the words of Marianne Williamson: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in EVERYONE. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
The mass consciousness creates figures and events like: Osama Bin Laden, the world economic crisis, George Bush, Hitler, starvation, homelessness, suicide, to wake us up. We are on an unstoppable path of evolution. There is no argument about this. This evolutionary path requires that we evolve and every time we choose not to, the mass consciousness must create what we have called 'evil', to force us up to the next rung on the ladder. If each person were to freely and consciously decide to take care of their own personal evolution, these tragedy's of humanity would not be necessary. If we all chose to take responsibility for the creation of peace and well being within ourselves and our own backyards, the universe would not have to manifest challenges that force us to do so. It is when we move against the flow of life and deny that which is true, that the truth must come crashing down upon us and force us to move forth, with the unstoppable current towards the natural call of freedom that is our birthright.
Kids in first world countries do not have to continue to choose to die.
But they do every day because they do not know how to love themselves in a world in which all our values focus upon power as an outside and external authority. If we are to believe that power is on the outside, we sustain the damaging illusion that we are victims. Power has never been or ever will be found on the outside. This old paradigm is being broken down by the current economic crisis in which, many are being forced to reconsider, who they are without money and the ability to continue to seek 'salvation' on the level of the material world.
It is only from within that change can be seen on the outside. Until a decision is made to create from the inside out, we will continue to see the truth strip us of our crutches, until we are forced to walk without them.
In this light, I would like to say that the words here are not owned by me. There is nothing that you will read that has not already been said in other ways. Whether you agree with these sentiments or not, my hope is that they will ignite in you, your own truth. Whilst I am the author of this article, I am not the source of your power, even if you agree with my sentiments. You are the Director behind the lenses of your eyes, who must decide what you would like to accept into your own personal film. You have always been the Director, the Wizard of your own dream and journey through Oz. At this incredibly exciting time in human history, there is a revolution in which, we are culturally coming to realize, that we are not victims of random external circumstances. We are waking up to the truth, that we are creators of our own reality.
If we are to lead the joyful lives we dream of, we must make the decision to act from the level of self-worth, that resides in truth telling with love.
'A' did not honor anyone by denying herself, but her suicide is a representation of the truth that needed to come crashing down, so that the delusion of self-sacrifice as honorable could be broken, and prevent your life from being diminished. If you are reading these words, her death is now a conduit through which, you have the opportunity to reexamine the way you regard your authentic self.
I write this post as someone who has lost too much to lies and a false sense of unworthiness. As a result, I no longer have the patience or fear, to sustain a safe and distant reserve on this issue.
Let it be clear to all who read these words, that what you have to say and do from the deepest core of your being, whether you perceive it as; ridiculous, trivial, boring, interesting or important, is to be honored and acted upon. In choosing to honor your deepest desires, you honor each person within your sphere of influence, by unconsciously giving them permission to do the same. With deep love in my heart it is my hope that each soul on this earth, will not just taste, but embody all that he/she is and can be.
No one else in this universe gets to be you. No one. It is your honor alone and it rests with you to show your gratitude for that privilege, through being your authentic self, reaching for your true dreams, without fear or reserve.
From the human part of who I am, I humbly ask that you worship and protect the flesh, bones and soul of my dear kindred spirit in your care that is you, by choosing to be your authentic self. The world won't fall apart if you tell the truth and that includes; quitting acting to become a rap artist. But when you don't, you support and hold the space for the lies and the ache that breaks people apart, to remain. I invite you to join me in moving from separation to wholeness, questioning to understanding, lost to found and disconnection to connection. Either way,
"Come as you are" Eddie Vedder
Much Love,
Amy
